I recently spent an evening taking care of my fourteen-year-old and seven-year-old cousins. The cable was out, so lacking any inventive child-entertainment strategies, I marched them down to the local video rental store and let them pick out anything with a reasonable rating. They picked out a tween-comedy vehicle for Disney starlet Ashley Tisdale entitled Picture This. In the movie, Tisdale’s character, a high school senior, gets asked out by the hottest boy at school, overcomes all sorts of challenges to make the date, including his scheming, jealous girlfriend, a grounding from her father, and studying for upcoming school exams, and then debates whether or not to go to “the clock tower” with him — where school legend proclaims that he will “deflower” an unsuspecting girl. Part of the character’s dilemma was about leaving with him at all, and what her classmates would think of her after assuming she had had sex with him.
I’ll leave out the film’s conclusion to avoid spoiling it for you, but the plot described so far is very interesting because of the stereotypical gender norms it presents: women valuing a man’s attention over other goals, female sexual naivety, the male as a sexual aggressor and initiator, the understanding of the perception that a man and woman leaving a party alone together is a common element in the widely socially acceptable sequence of events that leads to sexual intercourse, and the existence of potentially negative social consequences of female sexual behaviours.
With multiple decades of feminist scholars, artists, and protestors arguing for gender equality and a renegotiation of societal gender roles, it seems that many traditional expectations for gender-specific behaviours, particularly in sexualised situations, remain intact. A study by David J. Bergen and John E. Williams, published in the research journal Sex Roles in 1991 examined male and female stereotypes in 1972 and again in 1988. They concluded that over the sixteen years between trials, that stereotypes regarding typically male and typically female psychological traits (such as perceived levels of ability to self restrain, act rationally, and act in social interactions) remained distinct and changed relatively little. With results like these, it could be argued that I shouldn’t have been surprised at the conventional gender roles portrayed in Picture This, as it seems that stereotypical views of men and women have been with us for a long time and are slow to change.
Although the content of gender norms may vary between cultures, for example, between the predominant North American, East Indian, and South-East Asian cultures, almost all human societies prescribe sets of different stereotypical traits and behaviours to different genders. Although widely varying opinions exist regarding the approval of the existence and content of these norms, there seems to be a general agreement that these norms act as cognitive and social “short cuts.” Norms, whether they are helpful or harmful, allow us to form expectations of what people are like and how they will act. For example, North American culture widely supports norms of female irrationality and male aggression. With these expectations, it is common to attribute a woman’s emotional distress to her gender, such as in cases of blaming tears on hormonal fluctuations around menstruation.
Conversely, it is far less acceptable for men to cry in most situations. It is also common to expect men to be aggressive protectors of stereotypically weak submissive females, as illustrated in many movies wherein male protagonists “defend the honour” of their female partners by fighting off any number of goons. By providing us with expectations of men and women’s behaviours, norms help us to develop route series of behaviours or “scripts” for common social situations. Consider, for example, the common male experience of “watching the game;” grabbing a chilly beverage, grunting at each other, hooting at goals and booing at referees. Although this caricaturized portrayal of male bonding may not apply to all men, it is a fairly well accepted social script, and is presented in many t.v. commercials, shows, and movies, including 90s sitcom Home Improvement, more recent series such as Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens, and scores of contemporary beer advertisements. If they have come to accept and utilize this script, some men may find themselves awkwardly confused as to how to proceed in situations that deviate from it. The familiar is cozy, and, in some cases, deviations from accepted norms may be discouraged to keep everyone comfortable in their expectations of events. Consider, for example, poor Al in Home Improvement, who was often belittled by the hyper-masculine Tim for exhibiting stereotypically female traits and behaviours such as emotional sensitivity and a desire to talk about his feelings.
Such behavioural scripts operate largely unconsciously in multiple social situations, and sexual encounters between women and men are no exception. An example of this is the script that prescribes a general order to the escalation of heterosexual mating behaviours: kissing precedes fondling, which precedes oral sex, which precedes penetrative intercourse. Traditional sexual scripts in North America, and in many other cultures, also include prevailing gender norms that support the idea of men as sexual initiators and aggressors in both dating and sex. Although things appear to be changing, a woman asking a man out is still seen by many as the exception in heterosexual dating, rather than the rule. North American traditional sexual scripts are somewhat adversarial in nature, also including “…the woman as the gatekeeper of sexual activity (i.e., she decides how far sexual activity should advance), and the man as having a higher sexual drive,” explain Heather L. Littleton and Danny Axsom, in a 2003 Sex Roles article on the implications of sexual scripts in university students.
Unfortunately, some scholars believe that the widespread acceptance and application of these traditional scripts may, in some cases, contribute to horrendous consequences. Littleton and Axsom continue, “Several aspects of sexual scripts may contribute to sexual assault. For example, the idea that men should initiate sexual activity and will often have to use multiple strategies to overcome women’s reluctance or refusals may lead men to feel justified in using verbal coercion or physical force to obtain sex.” These writers do not indicate that they feel that traditional sexual scripts are an excuse for rape or other forms of sexual assault, nor do they advocate the argument that all men subscribe to traditional scripts or these lines of thought, but only suggest that these gender norms may allow for the ideas of “seduction” and “rape” to be confused, and thusly contribute to the cognitive processes that allow for the perpetrator’s self-justification of sexual assault.
If this argument seems far fetched, consider the prevalence of the phrase “no means no” in cautioning adolescents to make sure that all sexual behaviours are consensual. Why would as simple a term as “no” require additional explanation — unless our culture contains norms which some people interpret to mean that, in some situations, “no” may be just a bump on the normal roadmap to “yes”?
Littleton and Axom’s argument is a somewhat extreme example of the negative implications of unconsciously adhering to a behavioural script, particularly in sexual encounters; however, if you consider comparably less frightening sexualised situations, it is easy to think of examples of how traditional sexual scripts can negatively affect anyone. For an example, consider the average consensual stint between the sheets…
As the 2006 edition of the psychology textbook Understanding Human Sexuality explains, there is a prevalent North American stereotype that prescribes that “…males are expected to be ‘sexperts’ and to take responsibility for both their own and their female partner’s sexual pleasure and orgasm.” With expectations like these, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for men to experience some performance anxiety and, subsequently, a related reduction in pleasure during sex.
Additionally, consider the implications of the North American norm that “females are expected to be sexually naïve”. The same textbook goes on to say, “Thus, they may be afraid to share their sexual preferences with their partner out of fear that he will take this as evidence they have had many sexual partners (something that is evaluated negatively in women).” Keeping this in mind, it isn’t hard to see how gender norms can prevent not only men, but also women, from having sex that satisfies their own unique needs. Going on about how gender norms may prevent women from communicating their specific desires to their male partners, the authors of Understanding Human Sexuality postulate, “They also may fear that their partner will think they are criticizing him for not being the sexpert he is supposed to be.”
The expectation that women have few sexual partners is not paralleled in the predominant North American culture by a similar restriction for men. While women who have had many lovers are seen as “sluts” and shamed, men with the same sexual patterns are seen as sexually victorious “studs”.
This double standard can have detrimental effects beyond the obvious stigma against women with numerous partners. For example, consider situations where women are reluctant to give full sexual histories to nurses and doctors, limiting the professionals’ ability to make well informed medical decisions, and also, situations wherein perceived female promiscuity is responded to with aggressively punitive measures. For example, some cultures have norms which allow females who have pre-marital sex to be viewed as punishable “whores”; on their website, Jane’s Due Process, a legal resource and advocacy organization for pregnant teens in Texas, publishes first-hand narratives of young women who have been beaten and otherwise abused by parents and other people in their lives for becoming pregnant.
Whether you conceptualize them as efficient mental short cuts, subconscious stereotypes with potentially harmful consequences, or some blending of the two, all of the North American gender norms discussed thus far have one thing in common — they draw a distinct line between what is acceptably “male” and acceptably “female”. This black and white thinking places gender into only two, very separate, categories. Although this separation –as visible through the proliferation of segregated washrooms, clothing departments, magazines, television networks, sports teams and social groups, etc – may be the most prevalent view in North America today, it is not the only way of understanding gender — other cultures and subcultures have different norms.
Many North American Native cultures include persons called “two spirits”. These individuals can be either anatomically male or anatomically female (that is, having the biological traits of either sex), while expressing a gender (the social role often associated, especially in the colonizing European cultures, with anatomical sex) that is neither male nor female, but rather, a third (or more) gender(s) that mix traditional “male” and “female” traits. In fact, Terry Tafoya and Douglas A. Wirth, authors of the chapter “Native American Two-Spirit Men” in John F. Longres book, Men of Color, report that, “Of the over two hundred Native North American languages spoken today, at least two-thirds have terms, like nadleeh, that describe other genders beyond male or female.” Two spirited persons include biological men who fulfill traditionally female roles, and vice versa. McGill University’s “Project Interaction”, a social service initiative that “..is committed to the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and two-spirited (glbt-s) people, their families, communities and allies”, reports that, historically, in many Native American cultures, being two-spirited “…meant that this individual had the ability to see the world from two perspectives at the same time. This greater vision was a gift to be shared with all, and as such, Two-spirited beings were revered as leaders, mediators, teachers, artists, seers, and spiritual guides. They were treated with the greatest respect, and held important spiritual and ceremonial responsibilities.” (Please note the distinction between gay, lesbian, bisexual, and two-spirited — an anatomical woman who is two-spirited is not considered to be homosexual if she chooses to partner with a cisgendered woman, who is both anatomically and gendered female).
Although two-spirited individuals were widely accepted within their own cultures, European colonizers, whose cultures supported dichotomous “male” and “female” gender roles, were not tolerant of Native American gender multiplicity. Tafoya and Wirth go on in Men of Color to report that, “… in 1513, the Spanish ‘explorer’ Balboa referred to these different Native biological men as ‘sodomites’ and let loose his dogs to rip them apart and kill them…This was the period of the Spanish Inquisition where it was normal to kill or maim individuals whose beliefs or practices were different from established Catholic orthodoxy.”
This persecution is not unlike that which confronts many trans men and trans women, who, like Aboriginal two-spirits, also blur the traditional line between male and female with gender roles that are viewed by the dominant North American culture as inconsistent with their anatomical sex. For example, consider the July 2008 killing of twenty-year-old Angie Zapata, a trans woman, in Colorado. The Associated Press reported that the accused, Allen Ray Andrade, “…told investigators that Zapata performed oral sex on him, but would not let him touch her…Andrade later grabbed Zapata’s crotch area, felt male genitalia and became angry…He told investigators that he took a fire extinguisher off a shelf, struck Zapata twice in the head and thought he ‘killed it.’”
Unfortunately, both the historical violence toward Native two spirits and the brutal murder of Angie Zapata illustrate the negative consequences of strictly dichotomous gender roles that do not allow for any blending of male and female roles. Although Human Rights organizations have made some headway in changing societal views of trans gendered people, individuals who deviate from these traditional views are still often met with widespread oppression and violence from a society that that does not allow for their gender identities.
Where, then, do these strict North American gender norms come from? Some have argued that they flow from naturally occurring biological differences. For instance, take the argument that posits that the high sex drive and sexual initiative that characterizes the prototypical man is due to high levels of testosterone in males, a hormone that has been linked to aggressive behaviours. These theories, simplified, suggest that gender norms are just the expression of pre-existing biological differences: our bodies are different, therefore we behave differently, and our roles are different.
Others oppose this view by suggesting that gender norms are learned primarily through socialization.
Social learning theory hypothesizes that we learn how to be “male” or “female” by copying the behaviour of men and women around us; when we act in socially acceptable ways, our gender-normative behaviour is supported by praise and acceptance, and we continue doing it. For example, when parents react well to their sons play fighting, the young boys learn to repeat that aggressive behaviour, internalizing it’s value. This theory suggests that “boys will be boys” after all, as long as somebody cheers them on. When, on the other hand, we act in socially unacceptable ways, discouragement from those around us may teach us to extinguish behaviours that contradict prevailing gender norms. Take, for example, situations wherein young girls explore their own genitals and/or engage in masturbation as children. In such cases, the gender norm that demands female sexual naiveté may lead parents to tell their daughters to stop, that “down there” is “dirty”, and that “nice girls don’t do that.” This type of discouragement may deter girls from this type of behaviour, ingraining the related gender norm, and perhaps producing some shame in the woman’s mind in connection to sexual expression and enjoyment.
Some sociologists posit that in addition to the behaviour of individuals around us, macro structures such as language, other social symbology, and the media also support our learning of gender norms. In support of these ideas, consider the example of the word “pussy,” which is used to describe someone cowardly, weak, and submissive, as well as to describe the vagina, possibly reinforcing gender norms of the less aggressive female. Also, consider the symbolism of “boy” and “girl” colours: although green or yellow may be increasingly used to colour gender neutral baby blankets and other accesories, pink blankets and toys are still used to welcome baby girls, while blue is often still reserved for little boys. This colour segregation draws a clear line between “boy” and “girl”, emphasizing the two genders as distinct. Toys continue to teach and reinforce gender norms throughout childhood, as certain toys, say soldiers and tanks, are often assigned as aggressive “boy” toys, while others, say dolls, are seen as nurturing “girl” toys.
The media, in addition to marketing toys in these gender-normative ways, also contributes to the development of gender norms in other ways. As we have seen in the examples of beer commercials and shows like Home Improvement, the media also reinforces gender norms by making fun of characters that deviate from them, (like our poor, sensitive friend Al), and by positively reinforcing prototypically “female” and “male” roles, such as in the afore-mentioned movie, Picture This. In all these ways, socialization, both on the micro and macro levels, contributes to the development of gender norms in children.
In between biology and socialization in this nature versus nurture debate are socio-biological theories that argue that gender norms are the product of both biology and socialization. These theories contend that there are undeniable physical differences between men and women, but that it is not these differences alone — but rather, how they are perceived and interpreted — that create gender norms. Take for examples, stereotypes of male emotional strength and female emotional weakness. A sociobiological theorist might suggest that because male bodies are, on the average, larger than female bodies, and therefore generally stronger, we cognitively link “male” with “strong” and carry that association – whether accurately or not — into situations that have nothing to do with physical strength. This could explain the gender norm that, in emotionally charged situations, men are expected to be strong and stoic while females are expected to be weak and temperamental.
Sociobiological theorists argue that many gender norms are constructed this way. Consider, for example, the stereotype of male aggression and initiation in dating and sex. It is not hard to connect the dots between physical strength and aggression, and within a sociobiological framework, between males’ greater average physical strength and the social perception of them as sexual aggressors. As we have discussed, these, and other gender norms, can play out rather significantly in the bedroom.
Regardless of where your opinions fall in the biological versus socialization debate, and whether you think of gender norms as helpful cognitive and social shortcuts, dangerous stereotypes, or a bit of both, it is easy to agree on one thing: they are generalizations. Very few of us are society’s prototypical male or prototypical female — Rambos and Barbies are rarely encountered in real life.
Unfortunately, when we are confronted with new people and social situations, we often unconsciously apply these sweeping generalizations to individuals — all of whom are unique and different. Not every woman is submissive, and not every man is aggressive, in fact many of us may be aggressive sometimes and submissive others, regardless of whether we’re an Angelo or an Angela.
Likewise, each sexual encounter is different; although the traditional sexual script may say otherwise, penile penetration is not the end goal of all hetereosexual sexual encounters.
When it’s all said and done, old gender norm jokes can be inverted — after sex, some men may want to chat and cuddle while some women just want a sandwich, switching up traditional expectations of women valuing emotions in connection to sex more than men do.
As the example of Aboriginal two spirits show us, the line between male and female, and what is appropriate for both, may be much blurrier than predominant gender norms would lead us to believe.
Since life doesn’t fit nicely into what society declares as “normal”, it is important to re-examine the gender norms that we ourselves prescribe to, and to be aware of when we may be applying them inappropriately in our own encounters. As discussed, doing so can lead not only to plain-old bad sex, but also to dangerously misunderstood medical histories, oppression, and, in some cases, violence and death.
In conclusion, if while reading this article, you presumptively assumed that you are too intelligent, too educated, too aware, or too “progressive” to make the mistake of blindly applying gender norms, answer this question:
What gender did you assume my cousins were?